I don't remember those moments. I don't remember when it happened that I stopped playing with adulthood and actually started being a true adult. Or when I stopped thinking about relationships in a shallow way and begin to understand their seriousness.
Yesterday, though, I underwent one of those major moments. Something in my soul shifted and rearranged itself in some way that I am still trying to understand.
I was sitting in my sister's room, watching as her son tried to begin going through her some of her belongings. We want to pack everything up and store them until we decide what to keep and what to donate. It's been a month now since she passed away and I guess my nephew and I thought we were ready to deal with this task. We weren't.
My nephew looked around at all those things - the hats she wore throughout her chemo treatments; the miniature bottles of perfume that she preferred over the full-sized ones: "Obsession" and "Queen" and "Giorgio"; cards and gifts that she'd received for birthdays and Christmas - and he suddenly was overwhelmed with the very gone-ness of his mother. My sister. And everything in him just gave in to the grief. It seemed that he was just winded with the pain of it.
I think this is the first time that he was understanding that she really is gone. Not here. Not ever going to be sitting on that bed, or putting on those hats or that perfume, or laughing with us, advising us, comforting us, fussing at us.
And so.
It was later, after my nephew had gone home, and I was sitting there on my sister's bed that I had that moment I was talking about. I'm not the first to have this particular moment but, for me, it was like my heart had always been partially blind until just then. That moment.
Though I'd always known that nothing is as important as the soul, it was at that moment that I truly understood that fact.
I understood that nothing - not issues of politics, race, gender, sexuality - none of it matters as much as God. What I realized is that, not only does none of that stuff matter as much as we've been made to believe, but a lot of it - most of it - is a distraction.
The other week, I saw someone online pondering about whether or not Ebola had been a distraction from something else, considering how big a media topic is was for such a short period of time. Now I was thinking of all the other issues that keep us busy and distracted and warring among ourselves.
Maybe, I thought, everything is a distraction from the biggest thing: eternity.
I think it was in "The Screwtape Letters" that C.S. Lewis talked about ways Satan and his tempters distract humans away from the very thoughts we ought to be having. I know that that's been true in my own life.
Always before, I allowed myself to be distracted from important matters. I can list things that I spent way too much of my energy on:
- Anger at injustices (personal and in general)
- Competing with myself in personal goals and with others on the job
- Finding ways to fill my "me" time with fun and adventure and any kind of entertainment
- Worrying about my shortcomings as a woman, a wife, a sibling
- Working to improve my outer self
It's not that those things don't matter at all, but I let them matter too much. I wasn't spending enough (or, in some cases, any) time and energy on things that really do matter:
- As a Christian, I am called to be ready to give an answer for why I believe. I can recite some Bible verses, but I can recite some popular book and movie lines better.
- I don't pray enough. I'm too busy allowing myself to be distracted about how and where and what to pray for. Until I get into some kind of trouble.
- I don't share my faith enough with the people right around me. I might profess my beliefs, but I don't always show those beliefs with actions.
- I don't ask myself the hard questions about whether or not everything I do might be pleasing to God.
- Most of all, I don't always live as if this moment could be my last on earth.
What I realized is not only have I allowed myself to be distracted but, a lot of the times, I've wanted to be distracted.
It's easier for me to argue how racial profiling affects me than it is to think about racial profiling as being part of the bigger issue of ignorance, intolerance and injustice. None of those things are new and we aren't going to solve them.
That's dangerous because instead of focusing on the fact that evil and wrongdoing exists (as it always has) I (and especially non-believers) are tempted to focus on why a "good" God "allows" such things.
It's easier for me to worry about work and making more and more money than it is for me to ask myself how much money really matters. I've even allowed myself to be manipulated into worry about what kind of work I do rather than just working at all.
That's just insane because so many of us will suffer by going without any decent work because we think we deserve something better. (And "better" might mean work that we aren't qualified for, suited for, etc.) Some of us get to the point where we'd rather sell drugs than work at a fast food restaurant once we're past a certain age.
It's easier for me to pursue useless entertainment. Simple enjoyment has taken a backseat to more and more and more. Where I used to be happy with just enjoying a good book, now I get caught up in having the newest devices for reading a book. Where I used to just get out and walk and enjoy being out, now I have gadgets that monitor how much I'm walking - or I even just stay indoors and walk on a machine.
And it goes on and on.
Bottom line is, we've been manipulated and distracted. Not all of us, but so many of us - and by "us", I mean those of us who call ourselves Christian. So, if we - those who claim Christ as our personal Savior, those of us who read and study the Bible, those of us who know the warnings - then what about the people we are supposed to be spreading the Gospel to?
Anyway.
I can't speak for anyone else or have "the moment" for them but, now that I've had mine, I've got changes to make. I'm really focusing on balancing out the time and energy I spend of anything. And I have to pray constantly about these distractions.
Peace
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