Denial and Fence-Sitting

Almost every argument I've heard against Christianity is rooted in one a couple of words: Don't, Want, Won't, Can't -

• I don't want to believe in a God who **fill in the blank**
• I won't follow a God who doesn't tolerate **fill in the blank**
• I don't want to give up **fill in the blank**
• I can't imagine there being only one way/one path, etc.

When I talk to some of my friends and relatives about salvation, they don't outright object to the idea of following Jesus, but they don't make a choice.

I think most objections to following Christ come down to people not wanting to make a definitive choice. (There's that word again...) Or they don't want to submit.

For a lot of people, I wonder if the problem isn't just that they have a sense of immortality. In a way, I get that.

Some of us never think about death as a real thing for us. We read about another person dying and can never imagine that it could have been us. Or we imagine it just long enough to run away from the thought. Because that's scary right?

Even as a Christian, when I lose a loved one, I can't fathom death. I can't fathom the definite end of that human life. That idea of everything that a person was just not being.

Death is huge. It's the end of all choices and opinions and the end of self. And while we are alive, we are all about self, aren't we? 

23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.
24 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it. (Luke 9:23-24)

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And that is, I think, the biggest problem for the people I personally know. 

Before I put my opinions on other people, let me look at myself.

In my human nature, or my flesh, I am a basically selfish person. While I can be generous to a fault, that's a conditional thing for me. I'm generous if I am in the mood, if I feel sorry or worried for someone, and so on. There are lots of 'Ifs' to my personality.

When I look at those verses in Luke, I find the hardest words for some of us are 'deny' and 'follow'. We don't live in a world or social culture that encourages denying ourselves anything. And we are taught from the first days in school to be leaders, right? 

If I have anything to say about people I personally know, I will include them in with myself when I comment on the inability to deny themselves and follow anyone - let alone Jesus. 

• Some of us can deny ourselves food long enough to fast
• We struggle with denying ourselves our entertainment long enough to pray
• We don't follow/listen to our elders, spouses, advising friends
• We don't like to follow/obey bosses on a job
• We don't deny ourselves pleasures to sacrifice for our kids and parents

There are certain words that human find hard to digest from the time we understand language: 

• Obey
• Submit
• No

So many of us have a self-royal, self-important attitude about being in control of things. We think that work, family, friends, love, caring, happiness, giving, and all life should revolve around us. It's as though we think of ourselves as the center of some universe where everything is about and for us.

Us. I. Me. 

Now, I do know people who are very generous and caring and loving and unselfish to a great degree. The problem with that is, they think that this is enough. 

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Being a good person is enough for some things. A good person will probably have a nice obituary written up when they die. A good person will probably be remembered and talked about in a favorable, loving way when they die. 

The thing is though, when that good person dies, they are just as dead as the less-loved person. Then what?

We never want to think about the "then what" part, do we? But that is the part that counts most. It's the eternal part.

One of my friends is such a good and decent person. I really cannot think of one bad thing to say about her - and I have known her for many years. She is a truly 'good' person, but she has never confessed a belief in Jesus Christ. Over the years, she has told me that she believes in "a higher power", "something bigger than all of us", and the like.

I have known quite a few people like this. They believe in something, but they won't name it. I don't know if they have a name for whatever it is they believe in. 

This is heartbreaking for me because, whenever I have this kind of conversation with one of these friends, I think of this from Revelation 3:16:

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So then because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth.

I believe this verse is about those claiming to be Christians, but I always think of it as applying to anyone who won't choose. (I'm going to have to go back and check my study Bible and a commentary on this verse. This is why I need to join a Bible study group!)

The verse does make me re-evaluate my own stand in my faith. I can sometimes be 'lukewarm' when talking with people about my faith. I know that I need to be bolder - not about making them believe, but about asserting and not being ashamed of my own beliefs.

Here's the thing: we are all going to face God one day. We are going to face Him having made our choice. No matter which choice any of us make, it's important enough to think about before we die.

Are you brave enough to choose to say -without any doubt - that,

• that there is no God? or
• that God is? or
• that that god you believe in has nothing to do with Jesus? 

And are you brave enough - sure enough - to live (and die) by your choice?

If you aren't willing to make a choice, that is also a choice. Are you willing to die with that choice?

I suppose there are many Christians who are willing to choose Jesus and to die with that choice. I always examine myself to see if I am living that choice. 

I've made my choice. I believe that there is only one way to God and that is through the blood of Jesus Christ. I'm willing to die with that choice, and I'm living by that choice. 

Peace

--Free

Photoshopping the Word of God

As a Christian, I benefit from fellowship with other Christians. While I believe that all Christians continue to grow in faith and behavior, some of us are more "mature" than others. I have especially appreciated the ministries of a few apologists.

I didn't even know what Christian apologetics was when I first read "The Screwtape Letters" by  C.S. Lewis, but it had an impact on how I viewed myself as a member of society. Years later, I discovered the late Dr. Walter Martin. His videos are still available on YouTube.

One thing I have learned as a Christian is that God's word does not conform to people for their acceptance, we have to accept (or reject) the Gospel as it is. We can study it, for clarification and life application, but we cannot change it. We are supposed to allow it to change us.



I know all that but, sometimes, I hear a message from a more mature follower or Christ that hammers it home. Of course, it's important to study the Bible for yourself, and I do. I just appreciate when someone stands up and teaches on how Scripture applies to contemporary situations.

This is a video I ran across while looking through a list of videos suggested for me. Some people might be inclined to tune out, because he's addressing the issue of but it's at mark 17:24 that the young man said something that really resonated with me.

It's at this point that he points out a couple of very valid points that I had never thought about before:

• When we evangelize to others, we need to make sure that we are ourselves conformed to Jesus's teachings. Otherwise, we bring in people based on our perspectives of what is holy and right.
• When we evangelize people into a life of holiness using the things of the world, we are polluting the message. For instance, certain music and other entertainment and lifestyle choices are or the world and should not be used to evangelize. Hip Hop is from the world, just like being a stripper or drug abuser is of the world. So, how can you use "holy" Hip Hop to bring people to the Word? Or have "holy" strippers evangelizing? 

As I listened to these points, I was asking myself why is it that the Gospel - as it is, unadorned - not enough? And, if it's not enough for someone, then it's just not enough for them. We shouldn't have to put makeup on the Gospel to make it pretty or acceptable to people. If we did, that would be a sort of trickery.

You know what it reminds me of? When you meet someone certain people you  think you'd like to be friends with (or date) because they initially seem to be decent. It could be that they have a nice personality. Maybe they just seem to be someone you can see fitting well in your life. Then, once you spend time with them, you see that they aren't really as nice as they initially seemed to be. They end up being someone you can spend time with occasionally, but they aren't someone you could have a long-term relationship with.

If we change to Gospel, there is no need for us to change. To present it to people any other way is just lying to them and giving them a photoshopped Gospel.

Since the video was addressing music, and we all love music, I like to think about some of the concerns many Christians have about using secular media and other avenues to promote Christian music. What I come up with from hearing different viewpoints is that it's all about intention.

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• Is the music to praise God or to promote one's own talents and abilities?
• Is the main concern to make money, have fame, win awards - or to spread the Gospel and encourage and uplift people?
• If it's about God, why any concern about looking good for the world (on album covers and in magazines)?
• If it's about being holy, why present it as sexy, exciting and everything else that secular artists promote?
• If the megachurches have so much money, why not produce and promote the Christian music from within - without secular influence and resources?

I've heard these concerns from various other Christians and their pastors and teachers. I've never yet heard a response from an artist that admits the concerns are valid. I think I think that's because a lot of those artists are like me when it comes to struggling with nonconformity. 

Sin is basically rebellion and rebellion is always a struggle.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. (Romans 12:2)

This is a tough one for me sometimes because I will try to excuse my behavior instead of changing it. When I recently started back smoking (I know, I know!), and someone pointed out to me that I was going back to old habits, I was ready with a response: "God has saved me and loves me and nothing will separate me from His love - not even these nasty cigarettes."  That's all true, but it doesn't make my smoking okay.

I am supposed to be caring for and grateful for this body that God gave me. Yes, He loves me and is not going to turn His back on me because of this smoking habit I've returned to, but I'm not honoring Him with the habit. Smoking is bad for my health and, if I got sick because of it right now, I'd be crying out to God for help.

Just so you know, I am working on quitting again and have set a quit date. After all, I don't want to be that person witnessing to someone when I am struggling so hard with such a bad habit. What am I supposed to say if they think that, since I smoke,  their drug use is okay? That's extreme, but you see what I mean.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this video with you guys. It was a blessing to me, and I hope it is for you also.

Peace

Purge the Negative, Renew the Positive

Every now and then, I backslide into some of my old habits and sins. So, every now and then, I have to examine my life and my heart, then purge some things.

Some Christians I know don't attend church that often or even read their Bible. There was a time that I didn't read my Bible unless I was looking for some specific chapter or verse. About 12 years or so ago, I did read the Bible straight through, but that was more about proving to myself that I could do it. Actually, I'm not sure now exactly why I did it.

In the past few years, I have been reading my Bible more. For about 3 months or so now, I've been reading the Bible very regularly. I've also been attending church almost every week since my sister Mike died.

Guess what? The more I study the Bible and listen to my pastor, the more grateful I am for my salvation. I think more about my behavior and my life and how I can grow in both.

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So, I've been purging more lately. Giving up things in my behavior that don't benefit me in any positive way. Swapping out some of the time I spend doing idle and useless things so that I have that time to pray or just reflect on my blessings.

One of the benefits of a purge I did some years back is that I have learned to occasionally sit and be still and quiet. That doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. With all of the distractions that have crept into my life, I had gotten very good at drowning out my own thoughts. More important, I had stopped being able to hear God's voice.

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I look around at people I know and love and realize how busy they are with their phones, TV, music and chatter. One of the people in my life is going through a lot of emotional turmoil and I can almost feel her aching for peace and resolution. The other day, as I was thinking about her and praying for her, I realized that she is doing what so many of us do: looking for peace while, at the same time, drowning in noise. If she's not watching TV, she is focused on her phone. She has to be talking and chattering or being entertained. And all she wants, I believe, is for some peace in her own soul. I truly have come to believe that she is actually running from peace and running from God.


Is this noise and chatter that we are drowning in brilliant or what? Their are many weapons in the war to keep people from seeking God or, even when they find Him, from focusing on Him.

I believe that one of the most powerful weapons being used today is noise. Useless, idle, constant and always-there noise. And not just noise of sound, but noise of every one of our senses. We are assaulted by music, television, gaming, gossiping, partying, going, doing, being, moving, and on and on and on.

It's so hard for us to just sit still and be quiet. So hard for us to hear our own thoughts, let alone the voice of God.

This time for my purging I am going through my social networks. I'm examining who and what I follow on these networks. I need to cut out some of the negative and non-beneficial stuff and reach out to more like-minded people and projects. I've been looking at some of the things I've encouraged (by 'liking' or 'plussing') or re-shared.

My social networks are a great way to communicate with other people - regardless of what their faith and beliefs are - but I don't want my time spent on the networks to be idle or useless. While I don't shove my beliefs down anyone's throat, I like mutual respect.

Some of the people I "associate" with online don't always bring out the best in me. I'm trying to clean up my language, so I don't want to deal with a lot of foul language - especially from other Christians. Not that I criticize where they are in their 'walk', but I'm just in a different place in mine. I'd like to think that we encourage each other to do and be better each day, not just go through life without maturing.

(source)

Time to purge the useless junk and renew the good stuff.

Peace

**SHARED** Addressing Some Childhood Demons

A few years back, I saw one of a series of videos from this ministry that addressed the music industry. The series was called "The Truth Behind Hip Hop" (or TTBHH). The information shared by Pastor G. Craige Lewis was pretty powerful. It was enough to make me go through and toss a large part of my personal music collection.

I have since watched quite a few of videos by Pastor Lewis's EX Ministries and I enjoy his straightforward way of teaching the Word.  While I don't like the way Pastor Lewis about the sin of homosexuality as if it's a worse sin than any other, I do understand the message. (By the way, you can listen to the EX Ministries podcasts here, and the True Church Perspectives here.)

This video from EX ministries is another one that highlighted some of my personal issues with the church I grew up in. I grew up in the COGIC church (Church of God in Christ). Some of you might know that we were often called "Holy Rollers".

I was raised up in the COGIC church just as my mother had been. Just like my mother, when I was attending COGIC churches, I never participated in the speaking of tongues, shouting and loud praising. Like my mother, I attended church because I was taught to attend church.

Let me back up and emphasis something: I was raised in the church, but I was not a Christian until I got grown. I think it was the same for my mother.

For a long time after I got saved, I didn't attend church on a regular basis. When I did, I sought out churches that reminded me of those from childhood. I looked for churches that fulfilled my emotions and other "self"-type things. If the preacher was screaming and "preaching good", and if the choir wasn't one of the best, I didn't feel like I was in church.

"Preaching good" didn't really have much to do with what the message was, but how skillfully it was delivered. There had to be cadence and style, with a little call-and-response thrown in. If the service was really good, the preacher and musicians would riff off each other during parts of the service.

Do you see yet what I was missing? Or not even looking for? A message. The message.

Until I realized that I needed more, I had always chosen churches by style over substance. Those are easy to find. But, at some point, I started looking for a church with substance. Those are not as easy to find, but they are out there. (I'm lucky to have found one to attend here in Anchorage.)

I told you about all of that so that you would know why this video struck me deep. It brought back a lot of memories of my childhood church attendance.

A lot of good information is presented in this video. It gave me a lot to think about and I just wanted to share it with you guys.

2013 EXTV | Episode 12 Thieves in the Temple



By the way, I am not judging anyone who attends COGIC churches. Each of us has a personal relationship with Jesus. We aren't saved because of the church we attend; we are saved by accepting the gift salvation, and we grow and mature as followers if we let Jesus work in us.

Peace

The Most Beautiful Gift I've Heard Sung

When I got married, I was very young and I was very immature. I had a worldly heart and a childish spirit. There were people in my life at that time who made belittling comments that affected my outlook on my relationship. I'm not saying that the people who said these things meant harm, but that I was silly enough to let those comments affect me in a negative way.

Words matter. Words are powerful. God spoke the universe into being.

As humans, with no other power than that of speech, our words have effect - for right or for wrong.

Recently I heard a song that touched me so deeply that I am still playing it on repeat almost two days later. The lyrics spoke into my heart to remind me of the most beautiful gift I have been given: Redemption.

Words. Power.

The tongue can bless and the tongue can curse. The person who wrote this particular song shared a blessing he received when he needed it. I have a feeling that he might have no idea how his voice, his words, blessed me.

I know God loves me. I know that I have forgiveness and salvation. I know all that, but I was struggling in a darkness so deep that I was starting to lose sight of all my blessings. I was literally praying every moment for God to take me out of this life and into the next. I actually prayed that.

While I was listening to some music, just to drown out all the self-pitying voices in my mind, I heard this song called "Redeemed".

Those words spoke to me. They spoke the truth of what it means for me to have God's love. They spoke to all the sorrow I was feeling and all the shameful wishes for death that were lingering around me like a cloud.

I felt so happy that I literally stood up and raised my hands in praise.

The sadness and grief I felt is still here. I'm still a failure at so many things in life. I'm still in financial ruins. I'm still trying to find my way out of some difficult circumstances. I'm still sometimes such a mess of a person that it's a wonder that I've made it this far in life without a minder.

But guess what?

I am redeemed.

Those lyrics of that song - just words, after all - were what I needed to hear at just the right time. I can't even listen to the the song without wanting to weep for joy.

When people say that God doesn't answer prayers, I know that He does. I know that He doesn't answer the prayers I've prayed with my human heart ("Let me just die, Father"), but He answers the prayers that come out of my very soul ("What am I living for, Father? What's the point?").

His answer this time was that I need to remember that I am redeemed.

I am redeemed, no matter what a mess I sometimes think I am.
I am redeemed, even if I spend the rest of my life alone.
I am redeemed, no matter how many times I fall down in sin.
I am redeemed, no matter what anybody else thinks about me.
I am redeemed, even if I never make it out this financial mess I am in.
I am redeemed.
No matter what.

Any time I'm tempted to think of my faults and my struggles, I am going to turn to my Bible and remind myself about God's gift of redemption.

That is the only gift I need. It's the most beautiful gift. And it's a gift that I'm glad my family members also had.

Go here to look at the video and to hear the story behind the song.

God bless those people for that song.
Peace
--Free

Shameful Sheep?

The other week, when I was in a local WalMart, I saw a person wearing a t-shirt with a very foul message. The language was sexual and disgusting. They were exiting the store as I was entering, but I was hoping that they had been asked to leave. I doubt it.

I was so stunned at the vulgarity that I actually did a double-take, then turned around to stare at this person while they walked off across the parking lot. You know how people are these days. You can get punched out (or worse) for staring at someone. A few other people who noticed this person seemed to share my reaction. One lady just shook her head, as if to say, "What in the world?"

Exactly.

The way my brain works, I get stuck on things, so I couldn't stop thinking about the incident. I am still thinking about it, and this is what I come up with. This can be filed under "Rants & Wonders":

• Why is it that doing something indecent is easier than doing something decent?
• Why is it that, when I got "grown", I found it so easy to curse and act ignorant around friends but, when I got saved, I found (and find) it so hard to talk about Jesus?
• Why is it that so many people find it easier to talk to each other about their intimacy between couples than to talk about their faith? Or to even talk with their mate about the relationship.
• Why is it that even the most intelligent, well-read and educated people can't find a way to express anger and frustration without using foul language?
• Even talented people - writers and lyricists, who pride themselves on being creative - fall back on the most basic and crudest forms of expression.
• We can talk about how beautiful and complex love is, but we won't attempt to express it in beautiful and complex ways. 
• Why is it that people will spend hours, days, lifetimes, on pursuing a theory that changes the way we think about math or science or space, but we won't devote time to finding better ways to communicate with each other with the spoken word?

Like I said, this comes back to me in a lot of ways. I'm not just tossing stones at other people. I use to brag - even in recent years - about cursing being almost my second language. I used to think it was "cute" to learn and use the latest foul saying and witticisms. How silly is that?

The thing I am least proud of (out of my many flaws) is that, like a lot of professing Christians, I would curse and swear without feeling much of  a blush. If you wanted to render me speechless or shy, all you had to do was put me in a position to talk to an atheist about God.

As a Christian, I have been accused (gently, sweetly, but still) by some non-believing acquaintances of being "a follower". Can't think for myself, they say; I'm just another "sheep".

I'll accept that I'm a "sheep" when it comes to following my Shepherd but, like anyone - regardless of their beliefs - I don't appreciate being called a mindless "follower". I don't think that anyone want's to be labeled that way.

But...

Aren't we all being mindless followers when we mindlessly speak and act the way some other people do? And I say "mindless" because we don't really put any thought into what we do when we pick up the habit of cursing and swearing like it's the thing to do.

Some of us will look sideways at people who wear their pants slung too low, or someone with lots of tattoos, or the person who is jumping on every fashion trend that comes along. We'll look and judge and make comments about "that kind of person." But that kind of person is just doing what we all do: finding non-original ways to express themselves.

Nothing is new under the sun. It's all been done. There are no new colors, just re-mixes. When any of us do something, we are not being "new", we are just re-mixing. The only thing that separates what we do is whether we choose to do something positive or something negative. We are all followers of some kind.

When we get pulled into gossipy conversations about someone else, do we stop to wonder if we should be minding our own business?

When we find it so easy to talk about our sexual relationships with just about any one of our acquaintances (or even strangers), do we stop to consider things like dignity and privacy?

See what I mean? We've turned shame upside down. It's no longer okay to be discreet and private with, well, private matters. That's called being "repressed". If someone doesn't like being sexually free, they are considered "prude", possibly "gay", or "boring".

The person who wore that vulgar t-shirt out for all the world to see obviously felt some way about that choice. Maybe they just don't care what anyone thinks. That seems to be an admired way to feel these days. Maybe they thought they were being funny or daring. Maybe wearing that kind of t-shirt is the only way they can get the attention they want.

Maybe - and, in my opinion, this is the most disturbing possibility - it just wasn't a big deal to them. Perhaps they didn't even think anyone could or should be offended.

Now that I have thought about this, I need to work on my language - in my speech and in my online presence. I went to the Bible and read this from James and I had one of those "can't unsee it" moments:

SOURCE

Can't. Unsee. It.

Peace
--Free

Blessed Assurance

A couple of days ago, one my and my late sister's best friends passed away. Her name was Sharon. Like my sister, she had cancer. Like her late sister. Of course, another friend of ours, the young Katie Elliot, also lost her battle with cancer. Cancer. It claimed my father 25 years ago. He would have celebrated his birthday next month.

I'm not going to think too much about the cancer that has taken so many people away from me. I'm going to be thankful for the salvation that they are resting in.

Sharon fought a five-year battle with her disease. When she started wearing down from the fight, she left Alaska and went home to Washington state to be near her mother. When my sister Mike passed, I thought about how close she and Sharon had been. The two of them loved each other, annoyed each other and treated each other like a lot of "real" sisters do.

People who don't believe in my God won't understand this, but I am so happy to know that Sharon and Mike are together in Heaven.

Today I've been remembering my two sisters and missing them, but I am also so happy for them. There is a song that keeps coming to my mind when I think of all the people I've lost. It just gives me the strength to keep fighting this battle of life.

Blessed Assurance

(by Frances J. Crosby, 1873)

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!

Heir of salvation, purchase of God,

Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain:

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior all the day long;

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,

Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;

Angels, descending, bring from above

Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Perfect submission, all is at rest,

I in my Savior am happy and blest,

Watching and waiting, looking above,

Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

As broken as my heart is right now, those lyrics sum up all the healing I'll need. I hope that Sharon's family can take comfort in the assurance Sharon believed in. I hope that anyone - no matter what state their life is in - realizes that everything that we are right now, and everything we have, is just temporary. All the money and fine things we might have or not have, all the worries and sadness - everything - it's all temporary. I pray that everyone will live for the eternal life of peace that can be ours.

Peace
--Free

Television: Living by Remote?

Before I launch into my experiences and observations about television - or just "entertainment" in general, I want to pose some questions for any of you:

• Do you feel that you could (or should) spend less time watching TV?
• Have you ever (or would you ever) participate in the annual Screen-Free Week?
• Could you give up most of your time spent watching TV ever?
• What would you spend the extra time on?
• If you don't think you could give up TV for any prolonged time period, why not?
• How do you feel about that?
• If not TV, what do you think you might spend too much free time on?

The idea for this post came up when I was talking with an acquaintance last night and the subject of prayer came up. Actually, we were talking about the nice new "smart" TV that another person had just bought and I mentioned that I haven't owned any kind of a television for a couple of years. 

The person I was talking with was surprised at this fact. She said that she has a television in almost every room of her house and she wondered why I gave up owning a set. I explained that I originally stopped watching the TVs I had owned because I'd had to start working two jobs. The television habit was such a time suck and distraction that, the only way I could keep on top of my work (one job was done from a home office) was to give up TV. I barely had time to sleep, and any free time that I did have, I wanted to use to spend time with my sister and niece. Sometimes, I just needed the time to do nothing and let my brain rest.

After several months of watching TV on a very limited basis, I just lost interest in it. There were times that I'd catch a bit of a show that someone else was watching, and I had some fascination with one or two shows that I might tune into every now and then. When I moved back to Alaska and wasn't having to work two jobs just to survive, I had gotten more into reading and doing things online than watching television. Actually, I could still catch up on what was going on with a few shows via YouTube and Hulu.

When I got sick, I started back watching movies and television shows - even though I did so mostly via Hulu and Netflix. Once I moved in with a roommate, I didn't even bother hooking up a little TV set I'd gotten during a Black Friday sale. I ended up giving it to my roommate for her bedroom because she was a constant TV watcher. I had my Hulu and I even signed up for a Netflix DVD account. I wasn't watching as much as my roommate, but I was back to spending hours just having shows playing in the background throughout my entire day. I couldn't even go to sleep without having a show or movie playing on my computer.

This is how rested my brain felt the morning after

At some point, I decided I was going to have to be more proactive about getting my health back. I started getting up and out of the house more on the days I could manage that. When I was in the house, I spent more time doing some modified forms of exercise. I just realized how awful I felt when I sat around just watching a bunch of television.

Once I really gave it some thought, I realized that most television (and movies) are made to make us feel less than what we are. I was always comparing every aspect of my life to that of the people portrayed. According to most of what I saw on the stuff I saw on these shows, I wasn't any kind of "enough" (smart, pretty, rich, thin, ambitious, lucky, confident, quirky, romantically experienced, etc.). The only thing I was getting out of all that gawking at the shows was the idea that I had no right to be happy with any part of myself or my own precious life.

Basically, television was killing my spirit.

Probably most people who use the internet have heard the story about television coming into a home as a "stranger". The story has been spread around so much that there are different names for it, but I found this one called "The Visitor". (I chose this one because it seems to have been updated to reflect modern issues.)

Of course, it's easy to find info on some of the consequences of watching too much TV, but keep in mind that most warnings are about watching too much TV. I actually found that, unless I choose very carefully what I watch, I am not made better by watching any amount of TV. Everybody is different though.

Anyway, other than killing any human self-worth I have (though self-worth is not my ultimate goal), I noticed that television was also taking away from more important things in my life. I'm not talking just about work and time with people, but about my time honoring God.

Now, I didn't start praying more or spending more time with my Bible when I first cut out so much television. I always have put aside a little bit of time for that "stuff" but, lately, when I've had to lean so much more on my faith and God-given hope, I'm making more time.

My motives are not completely unselfish. I get something more when I do read my Bible and study it. I get something when I pray, even if that "something" is not always the answer I want when praying for a specific thing. I get something when I shut out the noise of media and the internet.

What I get when I honor God with my time and full attention is a kind of peace. Not only that, but I usually get a renewal of spirit when it's been worn down by all the clamor of life around me.

My doctor once suggested meditation when I was first learning to deal with the stress of my disease. I regret now that I didn't tell him that my time spent with God can't compare with what he told me meditation would do.

I'm not doubting that meditation works for some people. I'm sure it does, but it's not for me for two reasons:

1. It's either dependent on my own ability or power to renew my mind and spirit, or
2. It's dependent on some other power greater than my own that I want nothing to do with.

I discovered long ago that my own power is puny, which is one of the reasons I prefer to give my life and all that it is to the One who has saved me. I also know from talking with other people (who know) that there are other gods and greater-than-mortal spirits that have power of a sort. I want nothing to do with those other gods and spirits.

Anyway, where time spent with television does nothing other than offer short-term entertainment (and long-term, possibly damaging, effects on me), I have access to the Throne of God. For no cost. And He takes me just as I am. He doesn't care about how "enough" I am or not. I'm broken enough to be made perfect by His love.

No matter your reasons (or religious beliefs), here are some resources you might find interesting

• Screen-free org (and for this year's challenge)
• Digital Detox ?
• Do you suffer from internet addiction
• Alternatives during a screen-free week (no matter when you take the challenge)

I've subdued my TV habit, now it's time to curb some of my internet use. In the meantime, maybe I can buy old TV sets to turn into something truly relaxing...

Peace-

Free

Questioning Motivations

While watching something on a video the other day, I found myself being extremely critical of the person featured. This was a video clip of a young gospel music artist talking about his latest ventures. He was so over-eager to share that not only was he putting out a new album, but also doing a movie project and some other project, and on and on. He was just about tripping over himself, making sure to self-promote that I went from being impressed with his enthusiasm to being sort of irritated.

After I took a few moments to mentally analyze the guy and criticize him thoroughly, I realized that I was throwing a bunch of stones from a chair in my own glass house. 

When I stopped to think about it all, I realized that maybe I should be taking notes for an improvement in my own life.  For instance, what if, every time I get ready to do something or say something, I take time to consider my motives?

Hmmm....

I think that I will probably need to tie a string around a different finger every day to remember to ask myself a few questions before I speak or act from now on, but I'd like to try out the idea...

What are our motives when we do or say things? Are we always speaking to be helpful or encouraging? Do we do things to help people or to better ourselves in positive ways? If I'm going to be honest, I have to admit that I'm probably only completely non-selfish in about 30% of the things I do or say.

There have been times when I've given advice to family or friends more out of a need to look wise than to actually be a help to them. Even worse, I have sometimes tried to use my "advice" to lead them toward what I want rather than to actually advise them.

That sounds so awful when I think about it, but I really never have thought much about it before now.

Anyway, from now on, I hope to more carefully consider my true motives. I tried to come up with a list of things that I'll need to ask myself before do or say anything significant:

• Am I speaking or acting out of my negative feelings or emotions (anger, frustration, annoyance, etc.)?
• Are my feelings or emotions warranted?
• Am I saying something because I truly mean it?
• If I don't mean it, why am I bothering to say it?
• If I do mean it, can I logically defend it?
• Am I doing or saying something to look smarter than someone else - or less vulnerable?
• Am I doing or saying something just for approval or attention?
• Whose approval am I seeking by saying or doing something?
• Who am I helping (or harming) by doing or saying something?
• Is what I am doing or saying useful? And if it's not, why am I doing or saying it?
• Is this the time to say or do something or not?
• What will it really matter in the long run?
• How is what I say or do going to effect someone else?

This is basic stuff, but I don't always take the time to use my actions or words wisely. Here is something I have learned: sometimes, the most powerful motivation is a feeling powerless. That's dangerous because so many of us think the antidote to feeling powerless is a negative reaction.

courtesy my YouVersion app

I going to start this very day praying for more restraint in my moment-to-moment behavior. Guess that means I'll be doing lots of praying!

Peace

--Free

My "Ghost Limb" Strategy

Because of the recent losses our family has faced in the past few months, I'm still struggling - not with my faith, but with my day-to-day joy. I have come to the realization that joy is an inside-out job. If you don't have it inside, you can't radiate it outward. I don't have a lot of inner "human" joy right now. What I have right now is faith and hope and anticipation of joy that is to come.

I don't know if I will ever have another day of real joy in the human sense, but I know that I need to hold on until the day that I receive my eternal joy. And it's the "holding on" that I am working on.

It's hard to wake up every morning to a world knowing that my sister is not here. It's hard to think past that sadness toward even the idea of ever being happy again. I may have said this before, but it's as though losing my sister froze my emotions long enough for me to get through her funeral and the first days that followed. But now, every moment is a new pain of loss, like the body regaining feeling in once frozen parts.

I had been thinking to myself that the way to get through this is to get through it just as I got through losing my father, then my mother, and then one of my brothers. It dawned on me, so suddenly that it almost took my breath, that the only way I got through those other losses was because I had my sister with me.

So, all this new and unfamiliar pain is about having to get through the loss of Mike. I don't have another Mike. I don't have that other person who knows me so well, and who knows how to talk me through this grief.

My sister and I were so very close that I didn't just lose a sibling. I lost my best friend in the world. I lost the person who stood with me when friends didn't, when the men in my life didn't and, sometimes, when I didn't even stand for myself. She loved me so unconditionally that I can't replace that with another human being.

So.

For the first time in my life, I have to find my strength without Mike to help me.

I'm coming up with my "holding on" strategy using what my sister taught me about her life without legs.

When Mike lost her legs - first one, then a year later, the other - she talked about the way she still could "feel" them. They itched, they ached, the would get restless. Since her "ghost limbs" could be annoying in a very "real" way, Mike treated them as if they were still there. If they itched, she'd scratch them; if they ached, she'd rub them, and so on.  I always found this hilarious and when I asked if the scratching and rubbing really helped, she said, it did. "I can feel the itching, so the scratching helps," she told me.

I think about that now a lot and I am learning to think of Mike as my "ghost limb". Sometimes, I "feel" her smiling at me when I do something silly, or wiping away my tears when I am crying. She's not here here, but I can still feel her in my heart.

Mike couldn't walk on her ghost limbs, but they were still a present/not-present part of her. I can't hug my sister anymore, but she is still a present/not-present part of me. Her soul is present right now with Jesus and, one day, her perfected body will be resurrected - legs and all. One day, I will see my sister again and we'll be whole and free and reunited.

In the meantime, I'm struggling with this ghost limb strategy of holding on to the love my sister left me with.

Peace
--Free