It's been a rough couple of weeks. My depression came out full force one day and left me almost breathless. I couldn't eat or sleep or even get out of bed for about three days. When I did manage to move around, it was just to write checks for bills and collect my mail. Interacting with people at all these days wears me out so I was timing my visits to the mailbox down the hall so that I didn't run into neighbors. That almost never works. For some reason, no matter how awful I feel, I can't stand not to bling out a smile and my best customer service voice when I run into people. So, yeah, spending five minutes beyond my front door wore me right out and put me off my feet for the next several hours.
This is what depression looks like for me:
Cold. Lonely. Desolate. Lost. Hazy. Isolated.
All I can think about is how each one of us is so tiny and unimportant as we exist on this planet in the middle of this galaxy of vast, vast, vastness of unfathomable vastness.
Yesterday was the first time I actually did anything halfway productive. I had to eat something because my medications were starting to curdle in my stomach without food. I've been getting by on meals of cottage cheese with some canned fruit. For a change, I heated up a couple of burritos in the microwave. Since I was already standing up and in the kitchen, I even got fancy and mixed together some ketchup and mayo for a sauce.
Maybe the cottage cheese was making the depression worse. After the burritos, my need to listen to sad songs and sob into my pillow started fading. This morning, I made tea and had a bagel for breakfast. It made my stomach hurt, but at least I kept it down.
One of the things I've been trying to do is pinpoint what pushes my depression button. It's got to be some particular thing that triggers these moods. I was just in to see my doctor before this last darkness blew in. (By the way, during the appointment, I remember having the not-nice thought that any doctor treating me should temporarily suffer from my conditions just so they would understand.) I was feeling a little bit down, but nothing like the last several days. When I try thinking of what's been different, it's all good stuff. My blood pressure has been that of a normal person for a couple of months now (instead of reading like numbers from a NASA launch), and my doctor prescribed anti-anxiety meds and some B12. My sarc symptoms have been acting the fool for a while, but that happens in regular cycles. So, what's the depression trigger? Lower blood pressure? It's a mystery to me.
Meanwhile, my book - you know, the one I've been working on for around three years? It's just sitting on my computer rolling its eyes at me every time I open the file. I don't even remember what it was like to be so excited to work on that project. I don't remember what it's like to be excited about much of anything right now.
When I get in these moods, I find it hard to even open my Bible, but I will try to think of at least one verse to keep in mind while I lean into my faith and wait for the storms to pass. This is what I'm thinking of now:
"The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8 NAS)So, I'm sitting here, laying here, waiting for relief.
Peace,
Free
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