In the Dark of Night

Depression is a non-discriminatory, all-embracing, rabid bitch of a condition. Sometimes, it just sits dormant in the back of my mind, quiet and resting up for another fight. Sometimes, it comes out to play for just a little while. Sometimes, it comes out for a old-fashioned, tent revival type of attack.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. My depression came out full force one day and left me almost breathless. I couldn't eat or sleep or even get out of bed for about three days. When I did manage to move around, it was just to write checks for bills and collect my mail. Interacting with people at all these days wears me out so I was timing my visits to the mailbox down the hall so that I didn't run into neighbors. That almost never works. For some reason, no matter how awful I feel, I can't stand not to bling out a smile and my best customer service voice when I run into people. So, yeah, spending five minutes beyond my front door wore me right out and put me off my feet for the next several hours.

This is what depression looks like for me:



Cold. Lonely. Desolate. Lost. Hazy. Isolated.

All I can think about is how each one of us is so tiny and unimportant as we exist on this planet in the middle of this galaxy of vast, vast, vastness of unfathomable vastness.

Yesterday was the first time I actually did anything halfway productive. I had to eat something because my medications were starting to curdle in my stomach without food. I've been getting by on meals of cottage cheese with some canned fruit. For a change, I heated up a couple of burritos in the microwave. Since I was already standing up and in the kitchen, I even got fancy and mixed together some ketchup and mayo for a sauce.

Maybe the cottage cheese was making the depression worse. After the burritos, my need to listen to sad songs and sob into my pillow started fading. This morning, I made tea and had a bagel for breakfast. It made my stomach hurt, but at least I kept it down.

One of the things I've been trying to do is pinpoint what pushes my depression button. It's got to be some particular thing that triggers these moods. I was just in to see my doctor before this last darkness blew in. (By the way, during the appointment, I remember having the not-nice thought that any doctor treating me should temporarily suffer from my conditions just so they would understand.) I was feeling a little bit down, but nothing like the last several days. When I try thinking of what's been different, it's all good stuff. My blood pressure has been that of a normal person for a couple of months now (instead of reading like numbers from a NASA launch), and my doctor prescribed anti-anxiety meds and some B12. My sarc symptoms have been acting the fool for a while, but that happens in regular cycles. So, what's the depression trigger? Lower blood pressure? It's a mystery to me.

Meanwhile, my book - you know, the one I've been working on for around three years? It's just sitting on my computer rolling its eyes at me every time I open the file. I don't even remember what it was like to be so excited to work on that project. I don't remember what it's like to be excited about much of anything right now. 

When I get in these moods, I find it hard to even open my Bible, but I will try to think of at least one verse to keep in mind while I lean into my faith and wait for the storms to pass. This is what I'm thinking of now:

"The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8 NAS)

So, I'm sitting here, laying here, waiting for relief.

Peace,
Free

Distractions & the Long Con

You know how there are no clocks in the Vegas Casinos? Or at least none in view of the patrons feeding their money into slot machines or the games.

The reason for that (or so I've heard) is because the Casino bosses don't want patrons to be aware of how much time is passing. I've been in casinos and I always felt like I had stepped out of real life and into a world of  make believe. You can pretend you are in another country or time period. I visited one casino where all the staff were dressed up in togas and centurion costumes. It was silly and fascinating at the same time.

I've seen other explanations for casino designs, but I still think the moneymakers in Vegas are maybe being a little bit devious. Yeah. Just a little bit...

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For some reason, I was thinking about that just now. Then I started thinking how, sometimes, the best way to distract someone is not by directing their attention to something in particular, but away  from something else.


I was also thinking about something I once heard or read: "The most gainful con is a long con."

Satan is the originator of the long con, and he's certainly the master of distraction and deceit. If we look at our way of life today and compare it to various points in history, we can see how this con has worked. Think about the general mindset a lot of us have about certain things:

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• We believe it's better to "work smarter" instead of working harder. Certain jobs are considered "beneath" us, and some people would rather not work at all than to take one of these jobs.
• It's not enough for most of us that we simply have food, clothing and shelter. We want the best food, expensive clothes and a house that we can show off. 
• Appearance is more important to us than substance or quality. We apply this to people, homes, clothes, cars, etc.
• We rarely see anything as being definitively right or wrong. We shade everything gray by using words and phrases like "choice", "individual rights", "perspective", and so on. And if anyone dares to call something right or wrong, they are labelled as bigots, phobics, prudes, nuts, or as not progressive or "keeping up with the times".
• Having choices only works if the majority of society (those who have kept up with the times) agrees that your choice is politically correct or socially acceptable. This, by the way, is a big part of the Enemy's long con. If something is basically good, but becomes polluted or abused by a few people, the rest of us are willing to throw out the good with the bad.
• People who choose to believe in the Bible are dismissed as being crazy and needing the crutch of faith, while people who put their faith in other things are thought of as steadfast and loyal. 

As for that last point, I'm always frustrated about it. For one example: a science fiction writer wrote a book out of which came a religion, a church, and worldwide admiration for a lot of the followers. My faith didn't come out of the birth of a book but out of the birth of the Messiah Jesus, but I'm the nut? 

All of this makes me consider what Isaiah 5:20 says:

Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.

The Enemy uses anything he can to distract us: our grief, heartache, fear, desire and a need to feel included, plus so many other things. I just went through a struggle with grief, and I know someone who is right now going through a period of heartache. She hasn't accepted Christ yet and you can bet that Satan is working overtime in her situation.

Where I can see us getting lost in those temporary struggles I just mentioned, I can't help but be surprised that so many Christians are falling for Satan's overall con game. It's not like we weren't warned about it in the Bible.

When I used to watch scary teen movies, I could pick out which of the victims of the killer would be first to go. My friends and I would joke that we would never do the stupid things the victims did: walk into the dark woods alone, open the door to strangers when there is a mad killer on the loose.

It just amazes me that fellow Christians who read and believe in the Bible are a lot like those victims in movies. They never spot the signs of a false prophet or they will fall for blatantly unscriptural teachings. Or we will do something that we should know we've been advised not to.

There are people who know the Bible like they know their name, but they will get involved with practices of other religions and never think about it. Christians are even practicing Yoga in churches. Some Christians don't see how it's wrong to practice things like Eastern meditation, visit psychics or mediums, "ghost hunt", and so on. Many people see nothing wrong with combining faiths - Christianity with Hinduism or Scientology or Voodooism.

I know that I have done (and probably still do) things that were advised against in the Bible, but I did/do them out of ignorance. Once I realize my error though, I'm done with whatever it is. This is why it's important for us to fellowship and "exhort" one another in one is right according to the Word of God.



But Satan is a master of deception and where he can't blind us to things, he will surely try to delude us. He's a bit of a illusionist and he can goad us to create excuses and rationalizations for our sins to the point we won't believe we are even sinning.

The main thing he does to keep us blind or deluded? Keeping us turned away from the Bible. If we don't read it and study it and pray on it, we won't ever take the blinders off. I know that I am still blind to some things, and I am praying that God always show me what I need to see for truth.

Peace
--Free

Purge the Negative, Renew the Positive

Every now and then, I backslide into some of my old habits and sins. So, every now and then, I have to examine my life and my heart, then purge some things.

Some Christians I know don't attend church that often or even read their Bible. There was a time that I didn't read my Bible unless I was looking for some specific chapter or verse. About 12 years or so ago, I did read the Bible straight through, but that was more about proving to myself that I could do it. Actually, I'm not sure now exactly why I did it.

In the past few years, I have been reading my Bible more. For about 3 months or so now, I've been reading the Bible very regularly. I've also been attending church almost every week since my sister Mike died.

Guess what? The more I study the Bible and listen to my pastor, the more grateful I am for my salvation. I think more about my behavior and my life and how I can grow in both.

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So, I've been purging more lately. Giving up things in my behavior that don't benefit me in any positive way. Swapping out some of the time I spend doing idle and useless things so that I have that time to pray or just reflect on my blessings.

One of the benefits of a purge I did some years back is that I have learned to occasionally sit and be still and quiet. That doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. With all of the distractions that have crept into my life, I had gotten very good at drowning out my own thoughts. More important, I had stopped being able to hear God's voice.

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I look around at people I know and love and realize how busy they are with their phones, TV, music and chatter. One of the people in my life is going through a lot of emotional turmoil and I can almost feel her aching for peace and resolution. The other day, as I was thinking about her and praying for her, I realized that she is doing what so many of us do: looking for peace while, at the same time, drowning in noise. If she's not watching TV, she is focused on her phone. She has to be talking and chattering or being entertained. And all she wants, I believe, is for some peace in her own soul. I truly have come to believe that she is actually running from peace and running from God.


Is this noise and chatter that we are drowning in brilliant or what? Their are many weapons in the war to keep people from seeking God or, even when they find Him, from focusing on Him.

I believe that one of the most powerful weapons being used today is noise. Useless, idle, constant and always-there noise. And not just noise of sound, but noise of every one of our senses. We are assaulted by music, television, gaming, gossiping, partying, going, doing, being, moving, and on and on and on.

It's so hard for us to just sit still and be quiet. So hard for us to hear our own thoughts, let alone the voice of God.

This time for my purging I am going through my social networks. I'm examining who and what I follow on these networks. I need to cut out some of the negative and non-beneficial stuff and reach out to more like-minded people and projects. I've been looking at some of the things I've encouraged (by 'liking' or 'plussing') or re-shared.

My social networks are a great way to communicate with other people - regardless of what their faith and beliefs are - but I don't want my time spent on the networks to be idle or useless. While I don't shove my beliefs down anyone's throat, I like mutual respect.

Some of the people I "associate" with online don't always bring out the best in me. I'm trying to clean up my language, so I don't want to deal with a lot of foul language - especially from other Christians. Not that I criticize where they are in their 'walk', but I'm just in a different place in mine. I'd like to think that we encourage each other to do and be better each day, not just go through life without maturing.

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Time to purge the useless junk and renew the good stuff.

Peace